To stop my son playing Fortnite all day I got him writing a blog instead. Here's what he came up with. It's about football, surprisingly.
I was a 16 year old geek, covered in acne and with a penchant for wearing Kappa sweatshirts, when I boarded a Condor Ferry from Jersey, bound for Knebworth. Oasis. My band. My life. My gig. It was history for me, and 250,000 others alongside me. I was obsessed with them. I remember having a heated debate … Continue reading This is history repeating itself, I heard you say…definitely, maybe
There's a rather catchy slogan doing the rounds on my LinkedIn TL at the moment; 'The crew behind you.' What does it mean, i hear you asking? Go look it up - it'll enhance their SEO stats. I like it. It reassures customers in quite a contemporary, understated way, rather than the usual ‘we listened … Continue reading The crew behind me is… Team Woof!
Life can take you in peculiar directions, can't it? I mean, I did a degree in writing and media studies, and ended up processing DVD orders at some distribution centre near Enfield. I guess it's a media... I then spent eight years working in the City. I worked with data. I'm not even going to … Continue reading On Root… to something special
So there we have it. And no I'm not talking about the first photos of the new Bake Off cast. https://twitter.com/BritishBakeOff/status/852659046402445313 And if I may segue briefly, I've never seen Noel Fielding's hair looking so pristine. I mean, he probably had to pop up a mountain, find a stream, dip it in and flick it about the place. Probably. Clearly … Continue reading Download the App and vote for your new Prime Minister!
The reason I love writing a current affairs blog is that it gives me the chance to lampoon people in power. To mock the ridiculous things they say. To call out when they get it wrong. Satire, I think they call it. As a kid I loved Spitting Image. I wasn't particularly political, but the impressions were good and the comedy, although satirical, was also slapstick and, well, a bit silly. … Continue reading Why the Sun wants to ‘blow the bloody senors off’
'Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn', so the Stone Roses sang on 90's tune 'Good Times.' Pretty sure someone else has said that in the past too. So when I realised on Monday that the following day was Valentine's Day, and I'd brought my wife the square root of zero, I literally … Continue reading ❤ Love is… probably not a £7 meal deal from Poundland
But here's the thing. While we all share, like and comment on these frivolous funnies, Trump is busy beavering away in the White House, being evil and acting like the most powerful man in the world - largely because HE IS THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD.
Then there's a round of spontaneous improvisation. My group's performance, a meandering stream of liquid turd heading straight toward a picturesque lake, was so bad the teacher had to call it to a halt early.
Let's face it. As soon as Donald Trump moves into the White House, his main priority is going to be throwing an almighty lash-up for his mates. Fortunately for him I went to a party last week, and I've got some useful tips which he should take on board to ensure his party goes off without a hitch:
In 1999 I was a terrified 19-year-old country boy living in Tottenham. I'd left the sandy beeches of Bergerac's Island - otherwise known as Jersey - to read English at Middlesex University. I say 'read' - who am I kidding? The Oxford kids can get away with saying that. My studies majored on my liquid … Continue reading I can’t quit you iPhone, but I think I better put you down for a while
I'll admit it wasn't quite Gillette advert, razor gliding smoothly across a perfectly chiselled jaw, like a cheese knife through a delicious chunk of Stilton. No, this was more like a slightly knackered Hoover, one which you have to drag over the same piece of carpet 50 times in order to pick up a thread of cotton that won't budge and you refuse to pick up.
<Beep> <Beep> <Beep> My alarm? But it's dark! It's pitch bloody black, in fact. I pull my eyelids open, like rope pulling a creaking boat to shore (yes, my similes are nautic - I was in Jersey this Christmas). But I might as well keep my eyes closed, for I cannot see. And I'm not … Continue reading How to get over Christmas…
It’s that time of year when we ask our children to trust a strange old man with a red coat and a big beard to come into their rooms and empty his sack in their stockings. That man, of course, is a vision of hope and joy (I've been watching Miracle on 34th Street this … Continue reading Some men – you just can’t trust them (not you, Andy)
“Look what you did, you little jerk.” Charming. I am of course quoting 90’s Christmas classic, Home Alone. The kids watched it for the first time the other day. Unsurprisingly they loved it, and it’s been on repeat ever since in our house. It certainly beats having to watch Paw Patrol or the world’s most … Continue reading What makes the perfect Christmas, you filthy animal?
I can't think of anything worse then having to deal with the sleepless nights and dirty nappies that a newborn child would bring. I know - fancy saying such a thing just weeks before we celebrate the birth of our Lord.
So it is with the utmost admiration that I must congratulate Mick Jagger - a dad again at the ripe old age of 73. I'm sure his great granddaughter, 2, will look forward to some play dates with the new addition.
Nothing says festive fun like the email I received at work this week entitled 'Christmas decoration guidelines'. 'Was this a joke', I asked myself. Did the email actually say, 'just joking, guys - have a fab Christmas!' No. It literally detailed instructions on where and how to hang my tinsel. Ho ho blooming ho. "Guys, we are … Continue reading Away in a manger, no KFC box for a bed
"We are a great nation." Sigh. Philip Hammond is just wrapping up his first 'Budget' speech as Chancellor. And yet all I can think of as I stare blankly at the TV screen in my kitchen, is the monotonous din of my tumble drier chug, chug, chugging away in the background. "Bold in our vision, confident … Continue reading Are we really a ‘great nation’?
Sky gazers may have been treated to a rare sight of solar splendor this week, but those looking a little closer to Earth didn't get quite such a good view. If Monday's 'perigee full moon' was an astronomical phenomenon, then the sight of Donald Trump and Nigel Farage embracing in a posh lift was more like … Continue reading Trump, Farage and the dark side of the moon
Wednesday morning I wake, my hand groping in the dark for my phone. Today's a big day. America will have a new President. A solitary eye opens, struggling to focus on the screen. I check Twitter. Why can't anyone just tweet the result? Ah, here it is...No...It can't be? It's Brexit all over again... 'Donald Trump to … Continue reading President Trump? I don’t know whether to ‘laugh and cry, or cry and laugh’
Remember, remember the 5th of November – bangers are going off everywhere and the dog is terrified, commando-style crawling under the table. But fireworks are fun, right??? Speaking of bangers, I heard an incredible story this week about a chap who tried to smuggle some sausages out of his work canteen in an empty coffee … Continue reading Donald Trump doing a Honey G – it must be Halloween
“I had to put the Kleenex to one side as Jose talked of his pain at living in a £1000 a night hotel.” BBC Sport’s Alan Green with quote of the week there. It’s been a tough old week for Man United manager Jose Mourinho, who told reporters his life ‘is a bit of … Continue reading Mourinho and Gove – future drinking partners?
I had to do a double take as I walked past a newspaper stand this morning, with Gary Lineker’s face splattered all over the front pages. What had England’s favourite football broadcaster and self-proclaimed ‘spud-flogger’ done, I asked myself. A quick perusal of the detail made me think he’d been some kind of outspoken delinquent - … Continue reading Don’t get Green – Lineker deserves freedom of tweets
I’d just dropped my daughter off at school this morning, when she ran back to me wielding a penny she’d just recovered from the floor. “Daddy, take this home – we’re not allowed money at school!” Look after the pennies, and all that. I was tempted to tell her I’d send it to Unilever, who … Continue reading It’s alright Ma(rmite) – I’m only clowning