How to throw the perfect (White) House party

Let’s face it. As soon as Donald Trump moves into the White House later today, his main priority is going to be throwing an almighty lash-up for his mates.

On the guest list; Meryl Streep, Enrique Pena Nieto – the President of Mexico and Serge Kovaleski. Should be interesting.

Fortunately for Donald I went to a party last week, and I have some useful tips which he should take onboard to ensure his party goes off without a hitch:

Greeting your guests – kissing women

It’s crucial that you’re not over-zealous here. Particularly Donald, who’s got form in this respect.

Learn from my mistake Donald, for I made an almighty error last Saturday. Instead of wafting an air-kiss in the general direction of a female friend’s cheek, I accidentally glanced her cheek with my actual lips. Totally unintentional, but the damage was done.

At least it wasn’t a kiss on the lips. An old family friend of mine is a ‘lip-kisser’. He fools his prey by honing in on the cheek, only to redirect sharply at the last minute. Others suggest that actually no kiss is required when greeting women, preferring instead a ‘sideways hug’ to minimise bodily contact. And then there’s the double air-kiss approach, which just seems OTT to me, and presents the very real risk of minor whiplash.

In short Donald, it’s a minefield. Play it safe and go for a solid air-kiss, singular.

Greeting your guests – a firm handshake for men

Another slight faux-pas I made last week was waving away a handshake from a mate, in favour of a comforting man-hug. My arms draped around his considerable midriff, he went on to tell me he’d just been wiping the backside of his son who’d had an extreme case of norovirus.

Of course this was an unfortunate coincidence. But there’s a reason why a firm handshake is a solid salutation option. Donald, play the percentages and err on the side of caution – handshakes all the way.


A young Huelin drinking a Breda

Get a range of drinks to suit all tastes

The organiser of the party I went to is a big fan of Stella. That’s fine, when you’re used to drinking said beverage on a regular basis. When you’re a little lightweight (hello!), it’s simply not safe to indulge. So when we stepped onto our coach to go to the pub last Saturday (we travel in style, us) the Stella cans were handed out, and I was the first to indulge.

I shouldn’t have and the rest, as they say, is history. Trump, get a few spritzers and soft drinks in to avoid any mishaps.

Make the speech BEFORE you sink a skinful

Donald has a history of talking absolute nonsense on a regular basis. We all know that. Even in America they know that, although incredibly that didn’t stop them voting him in as their President. .

Still, my advice to Trump would be to make his ‘thank you for coming’ speech BEFORE he’s sunk a bottle and a half of Prosecco. We were celebrating the birthday of my mate’s wife, who was coerced into standing up and addressing her people after a few too many glasses of fizz. Let’s just say Donald has the edge as a public speaker, and that’s saying something.

Ensure the bar stays open as long as your guests are drinking

There’s no way on earth that either of my grandmothers would allow you to set foot in their homes without you having a drink with them. A cup of tea (from a tea pot, obviously) or a small beer from my Nan and Grandad’s house is an absolute pre-requisite when popping round to see them. They’d be insulted if you didn’t. But the Roebuck Inn in Wickham doesn’t share that view, instead shutting the bar at the stroke of 11pm without even sounding a bell.

Donald, ensure your party-goers’ glasses are fully loaded – they’ll need them when listening to your inane stories about your lads’ trips to Moscow and your conversations with Nigel Farage in your golden lift.

Of course the day after a big night out you wake up, a little bleary eyed, thinking you’ll never do it again. But when America – indeed the world – wakes up on Saturday, the reality will be that Trump is the new President of the United States of America. For four years.

Gulp. I need a drink.


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